Showing posts with label Growing up. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Growing up. Show all posts

Friday 24 April 2015

When Darkness finds me

I can feel you. 

You don't have to shout any louder, run any faster, be any heavier or any more anything, not even lesser. I can see you from the corner of my eye and sense you with every beat of my heart, creeping towards me. 


Your grey vapours only chase me harder when I run so I chose, this time, to brave your wrath, to cross my fingers and wait for you to pass me by. 
I chose to believe the false promises I made myself and I chose to believe the false comfort every disconnected whisper offered me because I was hiding from you in plain sight. I was hiding from the person you are conjured up by the recesses in my mind not deep enough to keep me safe.

I hate that you caught up. I hate that you chose the brightest day, in a room most filled with love in a voice I cherish deeply to wrap your vapourous trail around me and inch your way up to my mind while I stood paralysed- without even a whimper in self defense.

You know your own ugliness. 
You know I will succumb to the power you have over me. You enjoy the chase and it was longer this time than ever before. I didn't miss you. Not one bit. If I could wish you away I would. I let myself believe that is all it would take but you have proved me wrong. I will congratulate you on your victory, ever the graceful loser. You have taught me from practice, I will even thank you, gratitude flowing out of the wounds you stab into me. 

I wonder if this will be my last memory of these months in the rainbow. I stand here immobilized by the crushing weight of the knowledge you bring. 
You call it the truth and I want to believe you but it is difficult to have my mind reconstruct reality to suit a whim while you are twisting your knife deeper into my heart making sure I can see you through the haze of tears I won't shed from pride.

After all that I have sacrificed- laughing little floaty bubbles and flitting through reality, my pride is all I have and if you asked nicely I'm sure I would give you that too, but not while you suffocate me and watch me bleed out so clinically. 
It won't do. I won't give you that satisfaction, not because I don't want to- for you I would give anything, but because my pride is the only oxygen I will find in the dark lonely grave you have dug for me.

I will dream of flight and wine and dancing and sleep through the worst of this. I will wake up in another season having befriended my nightmares again. Companionship more reliable than your promised smiles in the dark- I am blind.

Tuesday 5 November 2013

For my Faultmate

As I speed down slopes on my bicycle with the cold wind biting into my skin I am transported to dark alleys in a different part of the country. We didn't have a bike then and we certainly weren't in any hurry. I remember then that my mind wasn't filled with questions, a to-do list or a mental inventory of what is in the fridge to fix a meal with, it was filled with the sound of your chatter as we walked down lanes like tributaries off a road that was mistakenly called loafers lane. I still hold the opinion that it should be called rat lane to warn every other 17 year old about what on first sight looks like an earthquake but is actually a rat pack on the same prowl as us.

I haven't forgotten any of it, or maybe my mind reconstructs the portions that I have forgotten. However you see it I will always have a memory of us silly 17 year olds heading out as often as we were hungry looking for the latest to eat in the little shops that dotted Vasanth Nagar. How brave we were setting out into cold, dirty, often dark streets,  looking for meaning on the pretext of finding a good meal. By the end of our year I could navigate the streets better than any auto driver, a habit we carried into the discovery of lanes behind RT Nagar filled with the mouth-watering goodness of fresh kebabs (that come to think of it I never ate!). I wonder if they would be surprised, our 17 year old-full-of-faith-in-the-future selves, that though our lives turned out nothing like we expected, so did our friendship, across geographies that span continents and multiple oceans.

Oh we were silly weren't we, forsaking the surety of a meal every night for our adventures on that little strip of networking hopes. I wouldn't change a thing. Not from that year at least.

We have come a long way from that simpler time where our greatest worries were managing a princely rent of Rs. 3,000 and waking up in time for class, or in your case convincing people that I really wasn't addicted to drugs- that sleep was my poison of choice. They wouldn't believe the horrors we now tell each other of or the depth of anger we can feel for other people who caused those stories to be each others' truth.

I still have our book of meticulously kept accounts. They remind me of a happier if frugal time, times that neither of us would have sought to add a descriptor to, consider a benchmark.

We're so pretty I couldn't pick just one picture :P
I can still hear your voice when you sent me that message- "His loss. He has
nothing. No spine, no you". It was the first time I had laughed since that great tragedy that we let seep into our lives then. I remember you telling me later about you, my all consuming worry that you laughed at and even got mad at me about. I worry because I can't confuse you with the anger I feel on your behalf, I worry because you will walk into structures with your heart on your sleeve making friends with people whom you love more than yourself- with people who love themselves more than they appreciate you and your distinct brand of care. I wonder if you remember that time on the terrace. I had just walked in and saw you crying about somebody who wasn't fair to you and took off in a range about just what would be done to that person. What I remember most bout that night, other than the biting cold, is your confusion at my anger and how that night turned into you calming me down instead of the other way around.

We have our memories don't we, that nobody else would understand; The very best and the very worst. So here's to you dear flatmate/faultmate and our plan of retiring at 30 to explore Africa as we did once Karnataka.
You bloody well make it that far if I will, we have vineyards to explore and men to heap hate on.


Friday 11 October 2013

The last 24 hours of being 24

I turn twenty five soon. In a matter of a few minutes I will officially cross the line I drew myself to find all my dreams and make them real, and at that line I will look back to the 8 year old me, convinced of happiness and success and say, “I’m sorry love, life didn’t turn out like we planned and I haven’t found what we are looking for, but what a journey!”
It all starts with a ridiculous plan to travel ten hours for a hair and one ridiculous friend who decided to make that journey with me.
24 has been many years put together. I have seen myself succeed well beyond my expectations, or anybody’s for that matter and then watch everything crumble. It was April and I had decided life could not get more perfect. I had almost everything I wanted and what I didn’t have was tied up in ribbons to arrive soon. I was as happy as I have ever been and thanking the universe for aligning the stars just for me. 2 months later life caught up with me and bitch-slapped me like never before.
I hit my lowest yesterday over something as stupid as speeding over a speed-breaker and crashing near a sewer. I stood up gathering the shreds of my dignity, my bicycle and phone (that I shouldn’t have been using while riding) and resigned myself to the life I now found myself living. Every single thing had the unpleasant odor of failure, even something as seemingly trivial as riding a bicycle home. I wasn’t looking forward to the stupid trip to Delhi. Given the course my life had run since June-July I just couldn’t bring myself to believe things could be anything but rotten.
But Nivi had booked our tickets and it seemed more of a pain to live with my ridiculous hair and cancel my tickets than just suck it up and go. So go I did and how very glad I am, I can now see that it might just get better, my faith in humanity is restored and I have the best bloody hair cut I have had since leaving Bombay.
Today, things just worked. We found an auto to take us to the station-easy peasy. We got the best damn seats on that beautiful double decker train- the one across a table with ample leg room. As if that wasn’t good enough there were army jawans on the other side of the table. I will apologise at this point for not doing anything special to show them the gratitude I feel for all they are willing to do to make sure I’m safe. I hope they know, I wish I had, in some way, let them know. I’ll forgive myself knowing I woke up at 5.45 (thank you Anju) after a late night.
I reached Delhi and realized the man I wanted to cut my hair (the entire purpose of this 5 hour journey, remember) was on holiday. Given how I am now used to having things not go my way I made my way to option two- this place called Looks in Khan market where Deepak (man number 2) had taken the day off. It doesn’t help that I didn’t have an appointment but then the guys at the counter suggested Nicky, and thank God they did.
They say a hair cut can change your view of the world, Nicky seems to have worked his magic on my day. A brilliant hair cut, cinnamon roll and a few book purchases later we walked around Khan market to some random place called Mamagoto because we weren’t in the mood to travel to where I wanted to eat lunch. Oh Mamagoto… how happy you made two girls craving sea food in faraway land-locked places. I love you.
Ne, Sashaa and Kaka… it was so blood good to see you despite the madness of Sarojini Nagar market. Ne and Sash, you were absolutely right- bad call, we should have just stayed in Khan market’s blissful laziness, but now I have a beautiful lamp, you’ve met Kaka and I have discovered his cool Ninaja skills. I’ll be sure to recruit you if I’m ever on a manhunt Kakkey. 
I will now take the time to thank the strangers who made this day everything it was.
  1. Strangers on the road who told us three times to not listen to an auto man. They told us (three times I remind you) to get into the auto and then tell him where to go and insist on going to the police station if the meter wasn’t turned on. You had no reason to help two very lots very adult women but we thank you. I love how happy you looked when we got into the auto and I stuck my head out to flash you a thumbs up sign.
  2. The auto man. We didn’t need to pick a fight.. You took us where we wanted, without driving around Delhi. I know because I turned on my Map-app expecting to be over charged. I love how you joined in when Nivi and I were sounding excited like every other tourist about how gorgeous the Rashtapati Bhavan and India gate look. I love how you then showed us every sight there was without a single detour. When we got off at Khan market at 11 something you even cautioned us about not being disappointed about seeing the shops shut because everything only opens at 12.
  3. Auto man 2: You made zero drama outside Khan market when I insisted you drive us through an absurd route to pick up Ne befor heading to Sarojini Nagar. I didn’t put on my app but honestly, auto man 1 and you are part of the same brother-hood, and you were so patient even reversing on a road you knew better than to simply because we asked.
  4. Bubble gun man: We were at a signal racing to the station when this man selling the coolest bubble making device ever passed our auto. I saw Anju gift even before I saw you. I thank you for giving us a new bottle of the funny liquid we need pointing out the leak. We wouldn’t have known and were very confused till you told us why. Nivi and I love you even more for telling us there was time enough to show us that it worked fine- clearly you know what can be done in 40 seconds better than either of us.
  5. Uncle on the road: We came back to Jaipur and with very little sense sat in an auto despite suspecting our driver was drunk. He was pulled up by a cop, sped away after an argument and like stupid ducks we continued sitting in the auto all the way home. Drunk auto-man and his friend then picked a fight with us about how much to pay him and we saw you walking towards us. I was sure you wanted the auto or were walking to the shop until you came up and asked us if we were ok. I love you even more for turning back around and walking home as soon as you found out we were safe. Thank you, in this lonely city that shuts down at 8 and can’t be bothered with strangers (other than stare at them like aliens) I love you for going out of your way to make sure we were safe. You didn’t need to- you and I both know that and that is precisely why your gesture meant so much.
My faith in humanity is restored.
Bring it on 25, I’m ready. Could you though, make an effort to beat 24’s highs and never ever drag me down as low as your predecessor?
Lots of love and the happy bubbly feeling of the world not being such a shit-hole,
Me.  Image

Wednesday 25 September 2013

Bad choices

Life is defined by bad choices. Nobody tells you that growing up and it's too scary an admission to make once you are well and truly an adult; but it's true. Any body who has truly lived will know that successes or the lack of them might define what people think of you but it is your failures that play out over and over again as the milestones, the markers of growth.

I turn twenty five in a few weeks and a summation of my bad choices and consequent failures lead me to believe I have lived a life fuller than I deserve. Make no mistake, my gross miscalculations of risk have lead me to my every victory and there are enough of those to please the world, pity the world won't rescue me from my own voice every night demanding answers I don't have.  

It's silly, how each bad choice is based on one single miscalculation over and over and over again. I trust the wrong people. Repeatedly. I trust the wrong people t burn me to the ground and most certainly the wrong ones to teach me how to walk on water. When I got it wrong the first time I believed I wouldn't again. That I would somehow find wisdom in that betrayal and guard myself. My circle of trust shrank to a quarter of it's former glory and then again and again until it was just one person whom I would trust with my life and every thought, the latter more precious by far. No this isn't about my soul being crushed over and over again, well maybe it is but what of that?

I can only write when I feel choked by every emotion I have tilting to the dark side. It is this side a lot of people choose to believe is the real me, free of powder and lipstick. Somebody I trusted could see into my soul said that I was filled with darkness that would extinguish anybody else's light. I see how myopic she is now, mostly because she couldn't say it to me. I would re-write that sentence to take the sting of betrayal out of it if I could re-write my whole life. My bad choices led me every single time to my good ones but the pain and insecurity that they each bring before the clouds part hardly seem worth the trouble.

Have you wished, as I have to live joyfully oblivious to the duplicity in yourself and the world? 

Sunday 1 September 2013

A complete life

Today a certain social media site, filled with advertisements that have no connection to me whatsoever, makes my life look complete.

I have a picture up that announces professional recognition- from speaking knowledgeably at a public gathering, many others that announce personal fulfillment- from travels across the country from different times, a new profile picture that make me look beautiful in the funny sort of way that only pretty people can manage.

There are congratulations and declarations of a brightly shinning future. Words I'm soaking in while laughing at the truth that I know- that there are smaller details that make me up- details scattered so far and wide I can't put them together yet.

But today I will believe what everybody is telling me, I will believe the illusion of myself that I find so easy to believe of everybody else. Today I will convince myself of having a full life and laugh secretly at everybody who will believe that illusion like me.
--

I'm listening to Bob Dylan's Like a Rolling Stone

Friday 2 August 2013

Some days

Some days I wake up convinced I will be fine.

I'm woken up by the ring of my alarm instead of another dream of you. I'm chained to no memories- not good nor bad. My clothes- washed over and over again since you last saw them, bare no smell of you on this morning. I don't feel the phantom of your touch every time I feel the wind on my skin nor hear your sigh in every rustle of leaves.

I know for certain on days like this that I will be fine; that it will get better. I have reason to believe that with time I will find every shard of my crushed soul and glue it together transforming into somebody more breathtaking and complete than you ever knew.

On days like these I'm told there's a skip in my step and a tune to my laugh.Nobody asks about the colour of my eyes or why I won't smile. They ask instead of my childhood- whether I climbed trees and pulled pranks. I laugh in response, my love for the universe bursting out of every pore of my being- gratitude for the many gifts I have received that I haven't earned, the many opportunities that seemed gift wrapped with my name on the label. The world is perfect under the bandage I've plastered on and I feel the mile deep gashes in my soul begin the slow process of healing.

Just as I settle into my peace, a corner of my mind unlocks- I see an image of the inevitable future. A future I want with all my heart for you to have of happiness, success, joy and most of all, of peace. I see that future without me and that isn't what reminds me I will never heal, it is seeing somebody else in every dream we shared. And so I begin again, from the very bottom, tying again to forget, not hope, not believe and to stop praying to Gods who won't listen anyway.
---

I'm listening to Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd

Tuesday 16 July 2013

To be ugly

When I was a child, I was a professional dancer. I don't think anybody who has seen my stiff response to music in the last few years would believe me but it's true. I was a professional jazz dancer, or something like that anyway.

I was part of a group called the <insert famous dancer whom I will not embarrass'name>'s Junior Dance Company. Stage shows, music videos and dancing with South India celebrities was part of my everyday as a 10-11 year old. We wore shiny sequinned clothes, spent endless hours every week perfecting choreography and even left school early every once in a while.

I guess I was living the dream. There was a purpose to my life, however trivial, before most people discovered there was even need for one. I didn't grow up with social media, I wonder if it even existed then, but there are pictures in a trunk somewhere of a group of 15 awkward adolescents, our faces full of make up posing with confidence that only comes from being a child.

It wasn't such a happy run though. In a world that demands perfection- manufactured or otherwise, it doesn't matter how young or innocent you are. I knew I was ugly before I even knew that was the word to describe me.
I loved dancing. Every bones in my body would thrill at the sound of music and I would dance because it was my natural reaction to music but when you're a professional dancer, that is not enough. The popular girls, the pretty ones would always get to dance in the center where they weren't tripping over cables or breathing in smoke from "smoke machines". Us uglie-s tuned out of the world, tuned into the music and filled space.

I didn't hate it. I don't remember ever realizing I was being slightest despite family and friends asking all the time why I wasn't dancing in front. Truth be told, I was glad to dance in the second row. I didn't have to remember any of the steps really.
But it was upsetting when people would walk into rehearsal asking to "audition" for something or the other and the instructors would only point to a few people. It isn't nice, knowing as a child, that you're ugly. That you- because you are too skinny, too dark, have weird hair and buck teeth, don't deserve every opportunity to shine.

I stopped dancing in the eighth standard. I can't remember if I missed it, I was too busy sailing to notice. I can't remember if I felt different for being seen for more than my scrawny adolescent body.

I wish I could still dance. I wish I could forget I'm ugly but more than anything I wish I could erase my ability to see people as ugly and pretty.    

Sunday 14 July 2013

Fear

I wonder what it is like to live in fear, to bind yourself  to that devil and make it you. How do you cope with every day knowing no decision you make fearlessly is even worthy of discussion? How do you cope with being so scared of your own thoughts that you won;t say them out loud?

I want to pity you. 
I want to teach you to be brave. I want you to love every thought of yours like I do. To be brave for the person you are. To encourage your honesty. To teach you the exhilaration in fighting a battle you believe in. The independence in believing in your decisions.

I loaned you my wings to fly but you lost them in your paralyzing fear. Now I don’t fly either and you’re sorry.

You sacrificed me to your fears and in my mind I’m now dead. In yours my throat is slit a million times with every apology you don’t mean. 

I want to wish you unhappiness but I can’t. I don’t know what is more foolish, your fear of everything or my all consuming love for a weakling. Your fears have shattered my world as much as my bravery has alienated me from everybody. I spent my whole life waiting and now I don't have wings. 

I wish I could live without hope, it would be less painful if I didn't hope you would gather your courage and find my wings.


Thursday 14 February 2013

My mother

I sometimes smell that particularly flowery smell of sunshine- I can be in a sweaty compartment of the train, in a restaurant, in the canteen- and I feel like I've been thrown into another world. Time stops, my body is independent of my mind and I can do nothing but let fragments of a memory that I can barely remember take over.

There is a strange comfort in things that don't change. At 24 there is very little that hasn't changed and yet when I smell that mix of sunshine, starch and flowers I'm transported to a warm cocoon. I feel four again. I watch as my beautiful mother wears make up and combs her hair, watch as she stands in the middle of what looks like reams and reams of beautiful silk. I feel the cool breeze of the air cooler and the magic in the air as the puddle of silk on the floor rapidly disappears. Amma was always impatient dressing up, she would click her heals and swear at safety pins. I hardly blame her, there is a bewildering ritual in wearing grown up clothes. The click of heals, the touch of rouge, the right shade of lipstick and the precise fold of every pleat.

I watch as she carefully combs her hair and snaps at me for getting in her way or bringing food into the room- I'm a clumsy child and in my jaw dropping wonder I can't seem to balance my plate. Sometimes, and these were prize days, I would be called on to to be part of the enchanting ceremony. I would sit on the floor and yank on pleats so that Amma could tuck them in just right. She would then spray on that perfume- it was never the same perfume, I could tell by the bottles being of different colours- and yet it would be that same ambrosial bliss.

When I was a child I dreamed of growing up, of dressing to Naval balls just like my mother did, of being as pretty, as perfect. It's amusing how childhood dreams turn out. I don't yearn so much for any of that anymore, we live lives that are of mutual pride and yet so cosmically different; but sometimes, on that rare special evening I'll walk into my mothers room and pretend to watch TV as I take in the unchanged present and revel in the permanence of that smell.

I have "borrowed" a tidy sum of perfumes from Amma in the hope that I can conjure that moment on demand but it's never the same without my mother, her boxes of make up and those magical reams of silk.  

Thursday 2 August 2012

Conversations with myself


“Is it amusing to be unloved?” you ask, a sneer lighting up the depths of your soul. I look around me, I look around us; I feel the glory of the morning sun on my skin- I wonder at the beauty of the world and wonder what gave birth to the cruelty in your eyes. 

I’m tempted to ask what it feels like to be so vile but I guess the answer before I speak the words and walk away having lost my voice to the wonder that is your callous spite. I can hear you laugh your crooked laugh at the knife you twist in my soul and I catch on to the tune in you and can’t help but laugh too.

Is it amusing to be unloved you ask, I’m tempted to answer you. To tell you of all my thoughts and all my dreams to even speak aloud of your nightmares that my reality is. I’m tempted to tell you the person I see in you but I can’t rip your world apart as you do mine. I have neither the effortless guile nor the festering venom in me to rob you of your illusion.

I wish you well. I wish you glory. I don’t wish you the destiny you deserve but the one you dream of because I know that with your cruel beady eyes and crooked loud laugh you will never be strong enough to survive the world you make. 

Tuesday 26 June 2012

Another Life

In another life, we would still be friends.

We would sit on a terrace talking into the night of an escape into a better world; one where we would live free, stay giddy, be happy. We would make up lands where brave heroes would fight for honor and truth would keep the world safe. We would tell each other the darkest whispers of our crooked minds, keep our promises to each other.

In that life we would sit together and laugh at the failures that my life is and wonder at the occasional victory, making up stories of the world we could conquer. We would live our lives and share our heartbreaks. In that life I would see you and know you still. In that life, I would be less bitter, feel less betrayed, be in less of a hurry to distrust. I would believe that friendships must last forever, that anything that can change you must be special. 

But we aren't friends and the long uncomfortable silences between us is filled, layer by layer, by the ruins of every universe we ever dreamed of. In the life we live, as I pack my bags to leave again, I can't tell you of my plans, we can't make a joke of my fears and I not allowed to wish anything for you. In the world we live in I smile and pretend you don't exist, knowing that to you I truly don't.

I hope that one day it will be possible again for me to think of you without feeling betrayed by myself, to trust you as I would a stranger. I hope that your dreams will come true that your heart be less broken that you be less bitter from the lessons life forced on you. I hope for you the happiness we dreamed. I will always miss the person you were and I hope with all my heart that true happiness finds you, that someday, when I hear of you from someone who knew us, what I will see is not the worlds we destroyed but a space in time we could be ourselves. 

Wednesday 30 May 2012

The promise of today


The promise of today

She woke up that morning knowing it was going to be a beautiful day; determined that her day would be beautiful. Today would reflect the image of the rising sun she saw.

No not today, not today for the endless dreary depression of the dead being tossed in a heap with other unidentified bodies. Not today for children dying without seeing the life they were promised, and most certainly not today to watch bloated bodies with organs ripped off by the sea float to the shore.

Dr. Nita Shankar was on holiday for a week. She may be alone but that didn’t change the fact that she was on a holiday to forget the harrowing days she lived through. Dealing with the victims of Tsunami was most certainly not on her list of things to do today, in fact, never again would it be on her itinerary of the day.

Today she would get a massage or, maybe, read the book that had been lying in her bag for months now; She could finally go on a much needed shopping spree and eat in the new restaurant, not so new anymore of course, but new to her. She could splurge today. You’re a rich woman when you have done nothing but tend to the dead or dying for 3 months on a regular income that you didn’t have the time or heart to spend. Who could eat a sizzler after holding a child’s intestine in her hands?

The dead or dying... When would Nina learn to switch her brain off and stop thinking! It was just a job wasn’t it? To hell with that stupid oath she took. It was meant to be just a job. Tending to the sick is just a job! So what if they were dying? So what if they struck by a tragedy of unimaginable proportion? It was high time to stop. People did not land up on hospital stretchers to die, Not in Kasturi Bhai Private Hospital anyway, she decided with a violent mental shake up.

After this holiday she would be paid lots and lots of money to tend to people who, she decided, would live long. There would be medicines for everybody. There would be no fight with politicians over where the funds are going. People would live. One in thousands would die every year instead of one in thousands surviving everyday. Oh no, not in those swanky, disinfected Kasturi Bhai Private Hospital beds with their clean white sheets that smell of the sun and Dettol.

It was a new beginning and oh yes, the sun had set on those dying people who would cry. Who were they to cry anyway? They only had to see one person die, see one house washed away, one child die slowly of starvation while watching helplessly. No it was she who deserved the right to cry! She saw the endless lives wasted away. She saw how only the drunks and no goods were safe from harm. She saw the endless bottomless sea spit out disfigured bodies. She saw money for antiseptic and glucose being spent on a flashy BMW for the mayor. What did everybody else have to cry about?

Of course, who cared about the silly graduate from some medical school who decided to spend half a year tending to the hopeless dying? What was the purpose of her job anyway? Make the dying see truth? Help their family (if they found any that is) deal with the grief?

To hell with all that! Not ever again!  It was high time all the melodrama ended. She was looking at a new life now- one of great riches. The dying poor could do just that-die! If it wasn’t the Tsunami it would be poverty or something else, entirely, that killed them. Why waste her life on them? Something had to kill them anyway right? All better now, praise the Lord for natural calamities, they proved to be the fastest way to get rid of the nation’s parasites didn’t they!

Oh she would never have to deal with that in Kasturi Bhai Private Hospital. No siree, she would see people pay happily in Rupees and Dollars and Pounds. She would watch as people got better every single day. She would help and be helped and she would never ever have to perform three surgeries at the same time ever again. It was time for change and it was going to come soon.

Oh but dear Dr. Nita Shankar. When world she grow up and take off her rose tinted glasses? She never asked, so the interviewers never told that if a patient who suffered an accident was wheeled in she couldn’t touch him with a barge pole till the police came in. So what if he died?
What the people at Kasturi Bhai Private Hospital didn’t tell the silly, idealistic Dr. Nita Shankar MBBS, was that even the poverty stricken landed up in Kasturi Bhai Private Hospital. She forgot to ask, so didn’t tell her that if a poor woman walked in with her child who could be rescued she couldn’t a thing till the deposit was paid for. Oh no, the thalli that the weeping mother would violently yank off her neck simply wouldn’t do. She must, yes she must, with a grim face, tell the woman, watching her child die, to pawn her oh so precious thalli for her little munchkin and come back with the money because till then, well until then, Kasturi Bhai Private Hospital would not recognize the child as its patient.

Foolish,foolish Nita Shankar. What could she possibly know of the business health care is? At 25 straight out of medical school and Tsunami relief work Nina Shankar didn’t realize that every rising sun was followed by a setting sun and that the dark doesn’t get any prettier with money. 

Mrs. Pinto's house


Mrs. Pinto's house

Dear old Mrs. Pinto would sit in the garden of her ancient three storied bungalow and watch for hours as people passed by. Occasionally, she would ring the bell to summon her trusted man servant Lalji. She would sit endlessly on the rusty garden chair, that at some point of time was painted white as was the fad, and watch as a procession of vehicles pass her gate.

 She loved watching it- the magic of mobility. People of different shapes and sizes would make her beloved Mumbai come alive. Of course, what helped keep the love for this life outside was how, invariably, every one of these passers by in their many avatars would look at this bungalow, in the middle of a residential area full of multi storied buildings, and wonder how it had survived.

Mrs. Pinto loved to tell anybody, who bothered asking, how the bungalow came to be hers and why she could never sell it. How could anybody help listening to this frail old woman in her flowery cotton nightie tell her story? You could fall asleep over the tea and cucumber sandwiches she would serve you, but you woul wake up having listened to every word of her story.

“I was maybe fifteen when I married that Mr. Pinto. Of course, in my time, that was very late to be married. You see the problem was not with me; In those days I was so beautiful everybody wanted to marry me, but this Papa... You know everyone always said, “What a wonderful man this Mr. D’Souza is but oh he loves his daughter too much”. You know, he would bring me sweets everyday and he made sure mama braided my hair in the most beautiful satin ribbons. Oh, I wore only lace in those days. It was the thing to do. Not even all these things that you call lace these days, what I had was just beautiful, it was hand made, needle lace.

“Wait... But that’s not what I was telling you about. Ah yes! So my darling father, oh he just couldn’t let go of me. You see, I had three brothers and I was the youngest, the only girl, His own little moon papa called me No, my father couldn’t let go of me. He said that this is India, only. He said, “Anybody can come but this is India. Once a girl goes, she goes forever and never comes back, so how can I let go of my little moon.”

So Mama and Papa would fight everyday. Then one day, Papa didn’t buy me new lace when I tore my dress. Mama told Uncle Chacha’s wife, Auntie Chachi, to stitch it up for me. You see these big gardens? Uncle Chacha tended to them all alone. Oh it was so beautiful then. We grew apples and oranges and lemons and don’t even let me start about the flowers that we grew.

“Oh my old age I did it again. Where was I? Yes I was saying, so one day Papa agreed that my torn lace must be mended and if I lost my ribbons nobody should buy me any more. We didn’t eat apple pies anymore of drink orange juice anytime we wanted. Even Tommy, Lesley and Bob, my brothers who were studying in England, had to come back.  You see I was just a child then and I was happy to have my brothers back. Of course I missed my ribbons and my dresses and limitless supply of everything I wanted but you see, the way I saw it, it was a fair bargain- give up all the fancies to be treated like a queen by your three big brothers whom I loved dearly and missed desperately.

“But one day I heard mama and papa shouting at each other. I can’t say that wasn’t common but, you see, they were in the attic and I was in the garden and to hear them shouting so far away was quite uncommon. What was worse was Mama breaking all her China. So dear it, was to her. You know, it had these delicate blue flowers on them what is that word? Chintz? Something like that, anyway, it was the pride and joy of her life. No don’t misunderstand me, she loved all her children and the dogs and cats and cows we had, but nothing could make her smile quite like her beautiful crockery on her beautiful lace table cover. It had been a while since we had thrown a party to put all that on the table. You see we all ate from steel plates. Mother didn’t trust us with her plates. I mean, a bunch of hooligans like us, of course she would worry about us breaking and chipping everything, so the special plates were for special people.

“So you understand why I was worried when I heard them from where I was standing in the garden. The next thing I remember is Mama running onto the road in her tattered green gown. Why I remember that moment is because I had never seen my mother run out onto the road. I had never seen her run, which was shocking enough, but onto the road? That was something I hadn’t ever thought of as possible. Something about etiquette she would say. “Women shouldn’t run, women should comb their hair, women must keep their hands and nails neat.” You know, my mother was very pretty. Lots of people say I looked just like her and it made me glow. She had beautiful hair. Auntie Chachi would brush it for her every night; “hundred strokes”, she said “to have the hair of Rupunzel.” Sometimes she even let me comb it for her. Mama was always so delicate. The slightest knot and she would whimper. You see, she didn’t approve of screaming no? So to set an example she would never scream in my presence.

“Oh why don’t you tell me when I forget about the story? All you young people, such strange notions of what is proper. So anyway, I had never seen her go outside our gate so when I saw her run out like that I was quite shocked. I was tempted to follow her, it might have been quite a game, but then I remembered the noises upstairs and froze where I was. Then Papa ran out and said to me,
“That’s it! You must get married. I will miss you my dear girl”, then he gave me a tight hug and ran out too.

“I don’t remember too much of the rest of the day. I was quite excited you know. I had seen my cousins get married. I knew I would get new clothes and ribbons for that. After all, I was going to be a bride, you know.

“I don’t know how they found Mr. Pinto and how everything was fixed up. I think the first time I saw him was through the veil on my wedding dress. What a strapping man that Mr. Pinto was. Some twenty-three I was told he was. You know, he had this moustache and he certainly looked like a charmer in his wedding suit. I couldn’t wait to begin the rest of my life with that handsome man.

“I was told later that I had met him before, but you know it wasn’t till I turned 40 that my memory started improving so what to do, I didn’t remember seeing him at all. So, two days after the wedding I was whisked off to some tea garden in Assam where his whole family grew tea. It was a British thing to do but somehow they managed to get a hill for themselves.

“Then two months later I was taken home out of the blue. They said say, “Say goodbye, this is not yours anymore” and pointed at my beautiful house.

“Now, before I tell you the next part, you must remember that I was only fifteen and all this happened suddenly. You don’t take a fifteen year old girl, married or otherwise to her parents house thinking she is going to meet her family, anxious to tell them about all her wonderful new adventures and spring a foul surprise like that on her!

 My god! I must have embarrassed my mother that day because I was wailing like a little child, kicking and screaming. I mean I was a married woman, no? Married women are expected to be grown up however young (or old) they might be and I here I was clinging to that post, you see there, refusing to let go. Mr. Pinto went into a fit and said he would leave without me if I didn’t let go and behave like a grown up. I told him he could go, that I could live without everything but this house. I told him, between my sobs, this was my house and nothing could change that and that it would always be mine.

“Poor Mama and Papa, they just stood there watching helplessly while I was being dragged off the pillar by my new husband. I was like a beast hanging on to its prized catch. How that man pulled me. Oh, bless his soul and may he rest in peace, Mr. Pinto was such a gentleman. That was the only time he treated me like that. I probably deserved it too, but, you see, it was my garden and my pillar and house and my… Well I could do this forever. I just couldn’t part with any of it.

“Mr. Pinto had decided it would be a one month holiday where I could spend a long time saying goodbye to the house I grew up in. Clearly, he didn’t anticipate the tantrum I threw. So after all that travelling, I was only allowed to stay home from the time I walked in through the gates to the time I was roughly pulled off the pillar.

“That was the last I saw of my parents before they died together. You know, nobody told me what happened to them. No, not the part about their train being derailed during what was considered part of the freedom struggle but about what happened to them after the house was sold. My brothers also refused to tell me. Then they all died and it remained a mystery. I would still like to know but there is nobody left to ask.

“See I’ve take off again and you didn’t tell me. Where was I? Ah yes, so once Mr. Pinto yanked me off the pillar I was sent back to Assam where I made countless devious plans to get back my beloved house. You see, I was happy only in that tea garden, knowing that my house missed me but then to suddenly be told that I could never come back to the house just broke my heart. But then things were what they were and for 26 years I didn’t see my house. My husband and son kept me busy for all that time. Left to myself, I know I would have acted on one of those plans.

“Then one by one the whole Pinto family died. First, it was the parents then the son and I don’t know about the rest of the family but I didn’t wait to hear from them when Mr. Pinto died. You know I missed the family. They were so patient with me. Mr. Pinto’s mother was as nice to me as Mama and Mr. Pinto’s father doted on me. They never had any daughters, you see. There was genuine affection among us. Oh and Mr. Pinto, I still blush to think of all the things he taught me. Dear man, I still miss him.

“So once Mr. Pinto passed, I grieved my husband’s death for a month. It was too much really. Even after all that time I had not really grown up. I was always treated like a spoilt child, no. So when my whole family died I decided enough of this I will go back to the place that made me happiest.

I quickly packed my bags before the rest of the family turned up at the doorstep, found a lawyer and some other people and all and sold the bloody hill. I packed exactly what I needed and reached Bombay.

That’s when I really grew up. I tell you, a single woman in Bombay has much to learn. Especially one who decides to move into a temporary house and adamantly decides to have a particular house.

“After one year of battling with the world I finally got my beautiful house back. Of course I was cheated. Think about it no, who trades a hill for a three storied bungalow? But then again any seller could see that this crazy woman wasn’t counting the Rupees. I was on a mission to get my beloved house back and so I did. My poor son also, Jeff, stuck in London that time couldn’t do a thing. I was a grieving widow and orphan on a mission and no man in his right mind would choose to get in her way.

“Ah! So that is how I came to get my beautiful house back. I’m never letting it go. No. All those builders come and say some rubbish but who’ll give them this beauty to tear down into something that is lots of ugly boxes stacked one over the other? I’ve told that Jeff also that he is not getting the house. What will he do with it anyway in that London? So I’ve written to the Government, some heritage site something, some reporter was telling me. I told you no, anything to protect my house, so I wrote to some people. They’ll come sometime and help me. Hopefully I won’t die before that.

“Ah yes some endless families from everywhere came demanding a piece of my house. I told them off. You, dear child, see a frail woman, but if you threaten my house and my child you’ll see the other side of me. I’m at peace now. I have everything I want. If I die in this house I’ll be the happiest woman there ever was.”

The story never changed. Not the deviances, not the admonitions in the middle- nothing. Mrs. Pinto breathed her last in her beautiful house and the pack of wolves for builders clamoured to buy the house again but Mrs. Pinto had thought of everything before the end.

You can still see the house in the middle of what she called little boxes stacked on top of each other. It is a heritage site now, untouched by change, held in a time wrap. 

Sunday 27 May 2012

An afternoon learning


I like to think that there is goodness in this world, that unlike the movies, even bad people have their reasons, reasons grounded in goodness. I blame my parents for this silly belief despite trying to take owness for my delusions.
My parents are a good middle class Indian couple who worked very hard to instill in us the best of the values their parents and life's learnings gave them. They worked very hard to give my brother and me the many privileged we have had, one of them being a safe environment to grow up in where people look out for each other.

I, only recently, started exploring the world outside my bubble and what a horrifying journey it has been.

Our cities are not very kind to pedestrians. Between the exposure to heat/humidity/rain, broken pavements, angry bikers and hawkers, I have discovered it takes a special kind of strength to walk down Chennai's road. I have made it a game, every thing worthy of disapproval, and the list is very long, gets a special face, there is even one for the not-so-occasional flasher. My game keeps me occupied most days and protects me from everything that I don't want to be affected by and yet some things still make it through the armor.

Through the famed Kathri Masam I have walked under an umbrella shielding myself not only from Agni's obvious anger, but also the many sights that are hard to walk past otherwise. Perhaps I should have turned on the music that day but I didn't and I heard instead an old, weak cry for help.

I seemed powerless to do anything but turn around looking for the origin of that voice and found an old bandaged man. He told me in his failing voice about being a construction worker from Trichy who fell off the second floor. He said he had no money to go home and had nobody to care for him in Chennai. His story took time to tell and in that time my pedestrian armor had re-built itself. When he finished I politely told him that I couldn't help and scurried across the road to ensure he couldn't ask me again.

While crossing the road and walking away I could only think of this man who was so alone in a city unfriendly to people who can't afford it's luxuries.I thought about the ice candy I was craving and the clothes I bought the previous day. I thought of my father who isn't young anymore and works away from home. I thought of myself being lost and being turned away by a skeptical pedestrian. I picked up the pace and my thoughts seemed to follow on cue.

I'm not sure what did it, perhaps it was a sudden breeze I didn't notice but I felt such a deep shame in myself and my scuttling figure on tat hot afternoon. Instead of shrugging off my thoughts as I had taught myself to, I felt compelled to cross back and look for this man, still shuffling down the same road, well behind me looking forlorn.

I walked up to him and apologised for walking away earlier and offered him my phone to call somebody he knew. He turned down explaining to me that he had lost his son's phone number midway between the second floor scaffolding his slipped on and the ground that caught him. I then decided, while patting myself on the back for my goodness, to ensure he gets home. I checked my wallet found a little less than Rs.200. With my experience now I know that a ticket to Trichy can cost about as much and started guiding him towards a local bus stand from where we would travel to the inter-city bus stand from where I would buy him a ticket to get home safe. I explained to him that I would take him till CMBT and buy him a ticket on the next bus to Trichy.

I know I have taken long but this is where the story gets interesting.
This old frail man suddenly looked at me quite intently and explained to me that it was hot and that I had no business making him walk or even walking with him wasting my time. He explained to me in a tone that sounded much like an order, that I must give him the money to get to Trichy and leave him alone. He accused me of being the worst kind of help because I didn't believe him and accused me of being a cheat. While making his speech, he turned around quite suddenly and stomped off in the opposite direction.

I know I have no business being shocked. I have spent a large majority of my life in cities and I have been warned of this scam a number of time. I know as well as you probably do that it was silly of me to agonise over this episode for almost two weeks and yet I can't help myself. I can't help but think, with much bitterness, that people like him should be locked and punished severely. I can't bring myself to forgive him for that betrayal, of proving to me that I truly shouldn't stop and help a stranger, that the human race deserves no kindness. I hate him for having taught me this lesson, of the many many he could have. My mother and many friends have hinted that I should thank him for teaching me a worthy lesson and be grateful it didn't get worse, and yet, I cannot help feeling that he stole a part of me that was good, a part of me that I am unlikely to ever find again
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The man in the picture most certainly is not the man this story is about.   

Friday 4 May 2012

Televison


I was born in 1988 to a family in the Indian Navy. Colour TVs were just about making their way into Naval bases, cable networks still a long way off. Understandably, I remember little about the early years but my first lucid memory is of singing, “Washing powder Nirma, washing powder Nirma”.


My brother and I were ruled with military precision by my Drill Sergeant mother. Our lives were dictated by the clock. The routine is hard to forget after so many years. 


The truck would pick us up from school and drop us at home. We would spend an hour eating and then go out to play. 
The rule was to be home before 6 pm,when light fell and the street lamps were turned on. So focused would I be on my games of pretend, that I wouldn't notice the failing light until my brother, furious after looking for me for all of fifteen minutes, would find me to drag me home. We would then take a shower, pray and do our homework. Just as a meal ends with the very best part of it- desert, so would our day- we would all, my father, mother, bother and I sit down as a family to watch a few shows every night on Doordarshan.

For the summer we would travel to my grandfather’s house with Cable TV. My brother and I would sit glued to the TV all day long in awe of that Mecca of cartoons- Cartoon Network and yet, every evening we would watch a set of shows together as a family.Over the years the shows have changed from Buniyaad to The crystal Maze from the X-files to Steve Irwin, the crocodile hunter. 

The cracks appeared as gradually as (and accompanying) adolescence. I was beginning to get as tall as my mother and she seemed less scary when I didn't have to crane my neck to look at her. I always had an answer to her questions and never found the time to wait for her answers to my, often rhetoric, questions. My father started sailing, my brother left to study and I no longer wanted to watch the same TV shows as my mother.


With inhuman patience, one that neither my father nor brother shared, my mother waited for this phase to pass. I had to leave home before this patience was rewarded. By this time we had probably all forgotten where we started from. 


With the years and distance coming between us, while each of us finds a way to our own lives, family TV time is an ill afforded luxury. It takes the funny voice of one of my nephews or nieces singing a television jingle I'm humming for me to realize we still remain connected in sharing a love for the illusive reality of the entertainment world.

I might be appalled by a lot that is passed off as entertainment, news or advertising today but my opinion of the media will always be coloured by its ability to bring people together and influence an emotion and action.
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My brother in his wisdom gained from an extra 4 and a half years on this planet read this when it was first written and announced that I had confused fact with wishful thinking. I am of the opinion that he is more right than he realises but isn't that the beauty of memory- to allow a person to colour just a little bit outside the lines for a truthful representation of a perceived fact.

Thursday 3 May 2012

Monologue of a disillusioned cynic


Growing up is the process of shedding, layer by layer, every dream you have ever had.

I wish I had said it but I'm only as original as B grade film directors are known to be.  
I watch re-runs of old shows, perhaps, obsessively. This nugget of wisdom is from Wonder Years. 

Despite the many episodes, of many television shows, that I have watched I seem to remember no episode with as much clarity as this one. I will be the first to admit that I have little in common with a child in sub-urban America from the 60s and yet, my disillusionment with my self seemed less solitary when this episode played. I remember feeling betrayed by the writers for displaying, on international television, my shame for all to see and yet feeling at one with the universe in realising (finally) that it wasn't only my burden to carry. 

I have wondered since how true that is. I remember wanting to be a singing-dancing-acting-sailing-smiling-guitar playing-hippy-doctor-lady-princess-war reporter-movie maker-teacher person. Layer by layer I lost every dream. To say it like that, makes it sound comfortable, like the thread-work of fate and perhaps the truth is that I was destined to make the choices I did. I have this uncomfortable itch in my shoe that makes it clear that, with every year, I learned to believe what everybody else told me I could do, more than I believed my own voice- the good one, that is. I let the world be my doctor and sat with my heart open for every pearl of joy to be extracted- for well-being. Always for that. 

I'm beginning to find myself again. After so many years I don't recognise that good voice as mine anymore.
I found that voice in an echoing chorus of so many.

I have the rare privileged of meeting children who share nothing in common with me. These children, for whom to recognise the alphabet is a blessing, have taught me to believe again. The funny thing is, they have taught me that the dreams I regret not breathing life into were intelligent choices. Choices, that in desperation, I allowed myself to believe, other people were making for me but in truth (I'm beginning to remember again) I fought to make. I may not play the guitar but I make my own music. I may not be a doctor but I save lives. I  may not be smile but I know happiness. All of this I simply do by being alive.

It is a not so rare gift- life; One that I don't often find reason to rejoice in.
I'm beginning to realise that growing up could well be stripping away every dream I have ever had to discover reality, often more wondrous than the dream. There is a pain in reality that is rewarding in its sweetness.
Yes, it could well be true that I'm a disillusioned cynic now but I like that better than being a deluded dreamer, despite the ring in the latter. Of course,I don't expect my contentment to last over a few hours. It is the effect of a drug I haven't found. 

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The song that is playing is Joe Cocker's version of 'With a little help from my friends' (but of course!)