I have strong views on what good parenting is which means I have stronger views on what bad parenting is. It has been pointed out to me on multiple occasions that the validity of my views is directly proportionate to the number of children I have and thus currently, completely unimportant (I have zero children as of writing this. For the record).
Now, I acknowledge the need for practice/experimentation to validate ideas and hypothesis, allowing parents to dismiss my scaling of their skills but I have plenty of experience in meeting, interacting and bonding with people whose parents have and continue to do an amazing or abysmal job. And so, however unwisely, I continue to hold my judgement of parenting close to my heart against what I'm sure is good advice.
My mother always said parenthood was about making choices about choosing what the lesser crime is to inflict on your child for a greater purpose. I've always considered that the first crime (the bad kind) in parenting is putting your progeny before the greater good. In argument, it is human selfishness that has gotten us as far as we are as a species, not self sacrificing altruism but one can hope (perhaps even for the extinction of a species that's cruel only for pleasure).
Despite all that, irrespective of how this conversation went down, should you have your birds and bees in order or the good doctor working his magic you have a new, mostly dependent camper in an average of 9 months. I wonder if you can tell how parents will be based on how they treat a pregnancy. I haven't had a chance to explore that question. Have you? Is the degree of paranoia or not, disinterest or not, a sign of the rest of their lives?
But like I said, irrespective, a living breathing thing with a supposedly malleable mind arrives. Young (or old) parents assume responsibility to shape this person and if nothing else put up with it for eighteen years keeping him or her fed and clothed with a roof above their heads for the most part for at least 18 years.
I was a disgusting teenager. Like the kind whose ear strangers want to twist while walking angrily to already harassed parents who are ringing their hands in fury while also thinking up the punishments that would make me most miserable and terrified of pulling bad stunts from simply not wanting to deal with the punishment. My parents were so very scary, I learnt bravery from defying them, they were far far scarier than the prospect of jumping off a bridge 83m high. The point I'm making though is that I was a self righteous teenager who walked around with the grand notion that since I didn't choose my life and my parents did it was their job to provide me with the food, clothing, home and education that I felt was my right and not expect gratitude for it in any way- the choice wasn't mine right?
Now, I acknowledge the need for practice/experimentation to validate ideas and hypothesis, allowing parents to dismiss my scaling of their skills but I have plenty of experience in meeting, interacting and bonding with people whose parents have and continue to do an amazing or abysmal job. And so, however unwisely, I continue to hold my judgement of parenting close to my heart against what I'm sure is good advice.
Time and multiple bad decisions have taught me not to point out to parents of young children how to be better and save the world from the train wreck the human monsters their wards are growing into. The hope is that in time I'll either be dead and not have to deal with it being too amazed by my own adventures funded on a fat retirement saving or too damn cool to be affected by it in anyway. But since I'm not any of that yet- since I am only the woman who now has many friends with young children and irksome parenting skills (fueled no doubt by the garbage books they read instead of following intuition and directions from the people who raised them), and the aunt of two nephews I love very much, I will write this blog post because there is little else that I can do.
If I have been any less than clear than you require let me be so now. This post is a rant that is likely to offend many people. If your sensibilities are easily hurt by dancing about architecture leave now.
(I find the need to explain dancing about architecture. I know my mother will ask and she's pretty smart in general. I read somewhere that writing about music is like dancing about architecture. A similar line might apply to writing about parenting without intention at this point to even go down that road)
Every time I see parents with children I wonder if they thought about it. Was money put away? A discussion about changing responsibilities around the house? The installation of a sound proof study maybe? What is the discussion that a husband and wife (yes I'm speaking only of those in this particular case although I have nothing but love for any other combination you choose) have before smiling at the thought of turning their lives upside down and only seeing if that was a good idea at the end of their lives by which time there is little they can do if anything. How do you go from the magnetic pull of the occasional wild party to a super human ability to hear your child's distress as though the message is telepathically transferred to you? Is there even a discussion outside the need to conform to the pressure of proving masculinity and femininity and the often dicey bond between a newly married husband and wife?
You'll see I've thought about this and should at any point somebody have the idea to start a family with me the poor boy will be talked to tears before birth prevention is even considered off the table.
If I have been any less than clear than you require let me be so now. This post is a rant that is likely to offend many people. If your sensibilities are easily hurt by dancing about architecture leave now.
(I find the need to explain dancing about architecture. I know my mother will ask and she's pretty smart in general. I read somewhere that writing about music is like dancing about architecture. A similar line might apply to writing about parenting without intention at this point to even go down that road)
Every time I see parents with children I wonder if they thought about it. Was money put away? A discussion about changing responsibilities around the house? The installation of a sound proof study maybe? What is the discussion that a husband and wife (yes I'm speaking only of those in this particular case although I have nothing but love for any other combination you choose) have before smiling at the thought of turning their lives upside down and only seeing if that was a good idea at the end of their lives by which time there is little they can do if anything. How do you go from the magnetic pull of the occasional wild party to a super human ability to hear your child's distress as though the message is telepathically transferred to you? Is there even a discussion outside the need to conform to the pressure of proving masculinity and femininity and the often dicey bond between a newly married husband and wife?
You'll see I've thought about this and should at any point somebody have the idea to start a family with me the poor boy will be talked to tears before birth prevention is even considered off the table.
My mother always said parenthood was about making choices about choosing what the lesser crime is to inflict on your child for a greater purpose. I've always considered that the first crime (the bad kind) in parenting is putting your progeny before the greater good. In argument, it is human selfishness that has gotten us as far as we are as a species, not self sacrificing altruism but one can hope (perhaps even for the extinction of a species that's cruel only for pleasure).
Despite all that, irrespective of how this conversation went down, should you have your birds and bees in order or the good doctor working his magic you have a new, mostly dependent camper in an average of 9 months. I wonder if you can tell how parents will be based on how they treat a pregnancy. I haven't had a chance to explore that question. Have you? Is the degree of paranoia or not, disinterest or not, a sign of the rest of their lives?
But like I said, irrespective, a living breathing thing with a supposedly malleable mind arrives. Young (or old) parents assume responsibility to shape this person and if nothing else put up with it for eighteen years keeping him or her fed and clothed with a roof above their heads for the most part for at least 18 years.
I was a disgusting teenager. Like the kind whose ear strangers want to twist while walking angrily to already harassed parents who are ringing their hands in fury while also thinking up the punishments that would make me most miserable and terrified of pulling bad stunts from simply not wanting to deal with the punishment. My parents were so very scary, I learnt bravery from defying them, they were far far scarier than the prospect of jumping off a bridge 83m high. The point I'm making though is that I was a self righteous teenager who walked around with the grand notion that since I didn't choose my life and my parents did it was their job to provide me with the food, clothing, home and education that I felt was my right and not expect gratitude for it in any way- the choice wasn't mine right?
I've since spent a lot of time with children who deserve everything I have had and more and yet receive so little that I've had my head detached from my bum and screwed on straight, but there is one thing that holds true. Children don't choose to be born (we're talking biology here. Do not get started on the spiritual relevance of that statement. I have an argument but it is completely out of context), parents make that choice irrespective of what forced them to or not. I wonder then how they could think it's ok to want so little to do with these mini people's lives.
I just don't understand how dropping food on a mother's lap while eating is more stressful than the child not eating after a long exhausting day; how is it ok to leave your child unsupervised at heights; how is the only tone you find when speaking to your child that of derision. I just don't understand it.
I just don't understand how dropping food on a mother's lap while eating is more stressful than the child not eating after a long exhausting day; how is it ok to leave your child unsupervised at heights; how is the only tone you find when speaking to your child that of derision. I just don't understand it.
How can you feel ashamed of giving up a job you hate anyway to spend as much time as you can with your child to a)see the magic of their becoming themselves b) helping shape that person who could well change the world. How can a discussion about your disgust of government policies that you neither understand nor have a valid opinion on (you don't vote!) be more important than helping your child develop the ability to tell right from wrong?
This is the part that scares me- as a parent, how could you not be the first one to hear your normally quiet child's call of distress and be able to tell the difference between genuine distress and an ugly tantrum? Why, as a stranger can I hear it and recognise the shock in your face when the sound registers?
I don't understand this and so much more about parents these days and to be quite honest I don't intend to.
But if you are a parent who sees why this is how it should be, do go on and educate me. I really do want to know.
But if you are a parent who sees why this is how it should be, do go on and educate me. I really do want to know.
