This was an e-mail I received. Yes he is fine (I checked) but I wanted to share this here because I can't find my own words today.
i wanted to write this on a public blog (or facebook notes or whatever) but i decided not to, though i am drunk. in fact, i was too ashamed so i am writing to you in person
it's so tempting for me to write '[FADE IN]' here but i will not because i like to believe this is serious. AND resist my film-maker's instinct or wanna-be filmmaker's instinct rather.
i see her online right now and i wanna ping but i decide not to. there was a time when she wanted me to be something that i refused to be. it was more material than emotional - like having a job, making money et al. hence i refused. OR may be that was just an excuse. i did not do what she wanted me to because i was too lazy. or because i wasn't good enough.
looking back, after a few years, i think she was right. or at least her advice was. i feel like a loser right now because i DID NOT listen to her. i should have been what she wanted me to be. i would have been happily married with kids and money and whatever if only i did listen.
i always thought my life was gonna be perfect - like since i was a kid. with a dream job, love of my life, a super awesome home with remote-controlled electronic appliances, lots of money to throw away, people to look up to me etc. i do have the maturity to accept that not everything we wish for happens. but not even one single wish? seriously? how the fuck am i supposed to believe in god then? or screw god, how am i supposed to go on with life?
I DO NOT KNOW.
that makes me feel like an immature IDIOT and i don't like it. but in the end it doesn't even matter, does it?
yes, i was a fan of LP in my early years. still am, secretly
doesn't make sense, does it? that how nights are. mornings are better & clearer.
GOOD NIGHT!
